beautiful329's Xanga

Sunday, February 27, 2005

Sun, 27 Feb 2005 06:06:43 GMT

So this will most likely be my last xanga post on this site. I have another anonymous site wherein I am more happy, free and such.

I am sure no one even reads this one anymore but will still keep it up and public.

I will be around if anyone ever needs anything. Thank you all for posting comments when you did and for just being you.

Goodbye now.

Lots of Love,

ASH

PS--

I have grown to love being a silent and unknown person so much that those of you who know my poetry may be disappointed. I am still working on my book, however I am about 98% sure at this point that I won’t have it under my *real* name. I am sorry.

Again, thank you everyone: Drea, for being a sweetie and Caleb for getting me started on xanga. Without you I’d be lost…Take care everyone.

Thursday, February 03, 2005

Thu, 03 Feb 2005 07:21:49 GMT

~~yes, I do hate this band, but this is the one and only song I like by them. It gets in your head. ~~

Much <3,

ASH

Say Anything

Here I am on
The phone again and
Awkward silence is
On the other end

I used to know
The sound of a smile
In your voice
But right now
All I feel
Is the pain of the fighting
Starting up again

All the things we talk about
You know they stay on my mind (on my mind)
All the things we laugh about
They'll bring us through it every time (after time, after time)

Don't say a word
I know you feel the same
Just give me a sign
Say anything, say anything
Please don't walk away
I know you want to stay
Just give me a sign
Say anything, say anything

Some say that
Time changes
Best friends can
Become strangers
But I don't want that
No not for you
If you just stay with me
We can make it through

So here we are again
Same old arguement
And now I'm wondering
If things'll ever change, yeah

When will you laugh again?
Laugh like you did back when
We made noise till 3 am
And the neighbors would complain

All the things we talk about
You know they stay on my mind (on my mind)
All the things we laugh about
They'll bring us through it every time (after time, after time)

Don't say a word
I know you feel the same
Just give me a sign

Monday, January 31, 2005

Mon, 31 Jan 2005 08:20:58 GMT

Untitled and written at 1:17 a.m.

Every time I am down

I hit the bottom, I crash into a wall.

Shatter within and search for—what?

Relief from my life, my existence that I have learned to hate.

I read others, I see the world and myself

Floating in it.

But I am not part of it. I am

Only alone unto myself, or those that knew me.

Those that knew and left.

(who can blame them?)

I’ve only myself to point the finger at…

Tears continually fall from these bloodshot eyes,

Motherfucker, I whisper in my head

But I am whispering as I stand in front of the mirror.

The world is cruel and

Life is impossible.

I once said that I was in love (so many times I have been)

And love and hate, lust and desire.

It’s all so fucked up now, beyond comprehension, recognition.

Any of it. Why….

We all ask questions, and we

All want answers.

Why do things happen the way they do and how can I get someone

To pick up the phone,

So I can utter 2 words:

I’m sorry.

Monday, January 31, 2005

Mon, 31 Jan 2005 07:37:38 GMT

I wonder if I will ever be able to understand myself. I somehow doubt it. And I wonder if anyone will ever be able to actually understand me.

Again, I doubt it.

Loneliness is a total bitch and I hate it. If I wasn’t in school right now, and if I had not just started my new job I’d be outta this shithole town so fast people would cough on my dust.

Maybe I’ll go to London…maybe I’ll go to New York, Oregon, ANYWHERE BUT HERE. I am no longer happy, content or whatever in this town, this life I live. I want something different.

SOMETHING MORE.

But I cannot go right now (sucks to be me) and so as Joe Dirt once said I gotta “keep on keeping on”. Ha ha. If only it was that damn easy. Sorry if this is such a depressing rant. I somehow doubt though that anyone even reads this still.

Night.

~Ash~

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Wed, 26 Jan 2005 05:18:52 GMT

not a whole lot to report. just been training for the new job....studying up for finals....im prolly gonna end up dropping ryan. hes been bugging me lately. i dont know. im such a freakin free spirit. i need variety. and a fellow insomniac. we shall see. prob should go. take care all who still read this dribbling madness. ha. not likely. ciao! --ash

Friday, January 14, 2005

Fri, 14 Jan 2005 23:14:42 GMT

i dont really know what to say anymore

what i can even write about.

i love to be a secret. in "my other world" as it is being called now....

MY OTHER LIFE...(where no one knows me)

i love it all.

i have been considering closing this page....vanishing into cyberspace where i can truly be who i want......but

don't

know.

"i hate what i feel, and sometimes who i have become"

......did i say that? i do not remember.......

maybe i should go now.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Wed, 12 Jan 2005 04:12:17 GMT

So, back at school. Week #2. It’s going okay. I love my English class. We haven’t really started painting in art yet….class keeps getting cancelled but its okay too. I hate geology. Well I don’t HATE it. It is just pretty damn boring to me. Anyhoos. I got a new job as of yesterday. CPK. Im going to be a hostess. Which rules, more hours AND more $$$$. I really gotta get a new car. Mine is a POS and I cant stand it anymore.

Ryan and I are doin alright. We barely have time to see one another during the week. 20 mins here, 15 there. Its crazy but I know I need to leave him be, his classes are hella hard this quarter. So gramdma’s 80^th bday party is this Sat. the whole fam is coming. Very cool. Get to see my cuz John again. Always a blast. Ryan is coming too. (yeah!!)…hmmmm, still don’t know what to introduce him as. We shall see, guess I need to have a lil chat with him. Well I better jet. Got some reading to do. See Ya!

~Ashley~

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Tue, 04 Jan 2005 19:44:40 GMT

ug. second day back at school. oh well. things are okay i guess. im hella tired today. got up early because i had my hair done before classes. so im back so espresso brown. i like it. gotta jet. i have a lot of reading to do. bye! --ash

Monday, January 03, 2005

Mon, 03 Jan 2005 20:16:38 GMT

well, today was the first day back of school. it was pretty good. so, yea. not a whole heck of a lot to report on. Christmas was good, got some neat stuff. hung out with the family. and it was nice. ryan and i are still good. and im pretty damn happy. i have a second interview at CPK (california pizza kitchen) on fri. they're opening one here soon and i really hope i get the job as a hostess. a change of pace would be good. so anyhoos, better do some homework. toodles!

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Wed, 15 Dec 2004 20:00:29 GMT

ah, all done with school for now. and i did pretty well too. got a lil over a 3.0 which is nice. i've just been relaxing a lot. working and such. i still need to finish my Christmas shopping, but i'll do that soon enough.

<----Here's a pic of Ryan and I. whenever i get some more i'll post them in the picture page on my ajoining website.

well, gotta go, my soap is coming on. toodle lee loo!

Ash